


After the fire

by Coriaria



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Lie Low At Lupin's (Harry Potter), M/M, Past Child Abuse, Past Drug Addiction, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sex Work, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trauma, Vomiting, oblique reference to HIV/ AIDS epidemic, thinking a partner was unfaithful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:33:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26013421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coriaria/pseuds/Coriaria
Summary: Sirius and Remus had once been young, and had shared a passion that burned hot and bright, but that was gone now – consumed in the flames of jealousy and suspicion, destroyed by a war that had taken everything from them. So when Dumbledore tells Sirius to “lie low at Lupin’s”, that’s the last place he wants to be. How can he face the man who broke his heart and was too gutless to admit what he’d done?
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 12
Kudos: 92
Collections: Wolfstar Hurt Fest





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Blue Eagle for beta review. 
> 
> For the prompt: Post Azkaban. Remus and Sirius have a deep conversation about the past twelve years. Sirius had hoped Dumbledore had given some thought to Remus, but discovers he has been alone and how the last twelve years have been for Remus.
> 
> All characters are the property of JKR.

Sirius pulled his cloak more tightly around him and turned his face away from the driving rain. He wasn’t pleased to be back in Britain, with its vile weather and equally vile memories. Beside him, Buckbeak seemed equally miserable, pausing every few minutes to shake out his feathers and give a put-upon sigh. They were both soaked to the skin and thoroughly fed up.

He’d thought, at least, he’d have a chance to spend some time with Harry, but Dumbledore had other ideas. He’d been sent off to contact the Order’s most useless members, for no good reason as far as he could tell, unless it was to get him out of the way. Dumbledore was clearly in regular contact with Figg, so it made no sense to send him off to find her, and as for Fletcher… Sirius couldn’t see any reason to contact him at all. He’d been more hindrance than help the first time around and Sirius saw no reason to think he’d improved. But Dumbledore’s final instruction was truly the cherry artfully placed on top of a great steaming hippogriff turd. Sirius was to lie low at Lupin’s until Dumbledore got in touch again.

Of all the people Dumbledore could have suggested, he’d had to suggest Remus Lupin, the very last person Sirius wanted to see. For a few moments, back in the Shrieking Shack, he’d almost forgotten the betrayal and heartbreak in his relief at the sight of a familiar face, but it had all come flooding back soon after. How could he face Remus, the man he’d once loved, the man who had betrayed his heart, while Remus just pretended everything was fine?

Remus had owled him, several times, but Sirius couldn’t bring himself to write back. The letters had been filled with apologies for forgetting to take his final dose of Wolfsbane, for transforming and allowing Peter to escape, begging for forgiveness – as if that was the worst that Remus had done to Sirius. The other betrayal, Remus never mentioned. Was he so much of a fool that he thought Sirius had never noticed, or had forgotten? Or was he just a coward who couldn’t face the consequences of his actions?

Sirius could see the cottage in the distance when the wards brought him to a stop. Remus had always been good at defensive magic. He just hoped the wards were alarmed in some way to alert Remus that he was there. If he had to wait too long, Sirius suspected that he’d just turn around and fly to the Weasleys’, Dumbledore’s orders be damned. But then the wards let them both through, and Sirius and Buckbeak were walking up to the tiny cottage.

The door opened, and there was Remus, an apologetic smile on his face.

“Awful weather, I’m afraid,” he said, stepping back to let Sirius through.

Sirius responded with a scowl and a roll of his eyes.

“Yes, I had noticed,” he said, as he dripped puddles onto the stone floor.

Remus looked as if he’d been slapped and turned away, closing the door after Buckbeak and raising his wand, evidently doing something with the wards.

“Do you have a wand?” he asked, turning back to Sirius after several minutes.

Sirius nodded.

“Picked one up in Zadar. Not using it here though, obviously. Don’t want to be detected.”

“The wards here will mask any magical signature, I’ve made sure of that. You’re alright to use it. But for now, allow me.”

He cast a drying charm over Sirius, then turned to Buckbeak, who had just begun to shake himself vigorously. The spray of water went all over Remus and for a moment, Sirius was almost amused. But then Sirius saw Remus’s haunted eyes, and he felt everything inside him shut down again. What right did Remus have to look at Sirius that way?

“I don’t have much to offer, I’m afraid,” Remus said. “But I’ve made some soup and there’s bread to go with it. And I’ve put aside a morsel or two for Buckbeak.”

Remus walked over to a bench, where a pot sat steaming slightly beside a loaf of bread, which was obviously from a muggle shop as it was in a plastic bag. Sirius shed his cloak and looked for somewhere to hang it, eventually just dumping over the arm of a lumpy-looking couch.

“Here,” Remus said, turning to Sirius with a bowl of soup in his hands.

He placed the bowl on a small table, then followed with a plate of bread and a tub of cheap margarine. Sirius sat down and picked up the spoon, sniffing cautiously. Remus tossed Buckbeak a few lumps of something, which he gulped down. He looked disappointed when they were all gone. Sirius wasn’t quite so keen on his meal. The soup didn’t look particularly appetising – thin and slightly grey, with lumps of potato and carrot and stringy bits which might have been meat – but it smelled edible enough and it was hot. He began to eat.

“Is it alright?”

“Fine, thank you.”

The soup was actually better than it looked, and Sirius had eaten half a plateful before he realised that Remus was still standing at the bench just watching him.

“Aren’t you going to eat?” he asked.

“Oh… oh, yes, I suppose I should.”

Remus served himself and sat on the edge of the couch, eating the soup half-heartedly while still watching Sirius.

“Would you stop staring at me,” he snapped, turning his back so he couldn’t see Remus watching.

“I’m sorry. I just…”

Remus trailed off and Sirius kept eating.

“I… I missed you, that’s all. It’s good to see you,” Remus said, finally.

Sirius paused with the spoon halfway to his mouth. Part of him had missed Remus too, but he didn’t want to admit it, let alone say it. At least not until Remus grew a spine and faced up to what he had done. And even then, Sirius wasn’t sure he would be willing to admit he’d missed Remus. Some things were just not forgiveable.

“Any more soup?” he said.

Remus leaped to his feet.

“Yes, of course.”

“I’ll get it,” Sirius said, walking across to the bench.

He ladled more soup into the bowl, then picked out a few small bones that were floating in it.

“What’s the meat?”

The bones were like chicken bones, but it didn’t taste like chicken soup.

“Rabbit. I catch them in the hills.”

Sirius turned to look at Remus then. That wasn’t the sort of thing he’d have expected of him. He’d always been the soft one, who stopped in the wet weather to pick the worms or snails off the paths so nobody stepped on them, or rescued baby birds who’d fallen from the nest and took them to Hagrid. He was always distraught if the wolf managed to hurt any animal in the forbidden forest during the full moon. 

“What?” Remus said, and Sirius realised that he was staring at Remus.

“Doesn’t seem like something you’d do, hunting for the table.”

Remus turned away with a shrug.

“Needs must,” he said.

Sirius finished his second bowl of soup, feeling its heat flow out through his limbs, and he felt warm for the first time since he’d been back in Britain. He would still have preferred to be back on the Adriatic coast, but at least he no longer felt as if the dementors were just behind him.

“Would you like tea?”

“Yes, I suppose.”

Remus gave him a thin smile, before he got up and began making the tea. He also pulled out a packet of biscuits, opening it and putting a few on a plate. Sirius felt a small tug in his stomach as he saw the biscuits – gingernuts. They’d been his favourite muggle biscuit and he wondered whether Remus had bought them specifically for him. It seemed as if he’d been expecting Sirius, since he’d also mentioned having some food for Buckbeak. He wondered how Remus had known.

His thoughts were interrupted when Remus placed a chipped mug containing strong, milky tea on the table in front of Sirius, followed by the plate of gingernuts.

“You always used to like these, remember?”

Sirius nodded.

“I think it was your place where I had them first. Your Mum used to dunk them and I started doing it too.”

Remus gave a smile at that.

“Then Peter started copying you. Remember that time he tried it with a Ginger Newt and the whole biscuit fell into his tea?”

Sirius scowled at the mention of Peter, and Remus seemed to realise what he’d said a moment later. His face fell and he turned away, picking up his own mug and retreating to the couch. He sat in silence, staring at his tea.

Sirius picked up one of the biscuits. He wasn’t going to let the mention of that traitor ruin his moment of pleasure. It had been thirteen years since he’d eaten a gingernut, dammit, and he was going to enjoy it. He dipped it in the tea, held it there for a moment, then drew it out and bit into it.

The gingernut was perfect, not soggy but not about to break his teeth either. He savoured it, the bitterness of the tea and the warmth of the spice bringing back memories he thought he’d lost. Four friends, so full of hope, their whole lives in front of them, convinced they’d stay close forever. How had it all gone so wrong?

“How is your Mum doing, by the way?” Sirius asked, trying to take his mind off the Marauders.

Remus looked up, and then quickly down again. He gave a slow sigh.

“She died.”

“Oh… that’s… oh. When?”

Remus gave another sigh.

“Long time ago. Christmas, ‘81. Cancer. They didn’t find it until it was in her liver. She was dead two months after it was diagnosed.”

“Oh. How about your Dad?”

Remus was silent for far too long, and Sirius dunked his biscuit again, before taking another bite.

“He’s alive,” Remus said, finally, his voice tight. “Haven’t seen him since the day after Mum’s funeral.”

Sirius glanced across at Remus. He’d always seemed to be a dutiful son, and had never uttered a word against his parents, so Sirius would never have expected him to break contact. But he did remember, now that he thought about it, that the way Remus behaved around them always left Sirius slightly uncomfortable. James or Peter would have never noticed, but Sirius was attuned to that kind of thing. There had definitely been something Remus wasn’t saying about them.

“Right… yeah, sorry.”

He put the gingernut down, unable to stomach any more. Thirteen years had gone by and yet it seemed as if nothing had changed between them. Here they were, tip-toeing around each other, attempting to make polite small talk and pretend that everything was fine, when everything most certainly was not.

“I’m tired,” he said, pushing himself to his feet. “Think I’ll turn in.”

Remus was on his feet too.

“You can take the bedroom. It’s not much, but…”

He waved his hand in the direction of what was obviously the bedroom door.

“Uh… what about Buckbeak?” Remus added. “It might be a bit cramped for him in there.”

“We’ll manage,” Sirius snapped, turning his back and heading for the room.

Once he and Buckbeak were both in, he closed the door and sat down on the narrow bed, letting out a sigh. Remus hadn’t been wrong – the room was tiny. There was a single window, cracked and shimmering with spellwork, obviously repaired to the point where it was barely holding together. There was a moth-eating curtain, and a couple of nails on the wall which held a tatty suit on a coat-hanger and an even tattier cloak. Sirius took a closer look, and realised that it was the same cloak that Remus had had since he was at school.

There was no wardrobe, but there was a small chest of drawers, on top of which were a few toiletries, a tarnished mirror which Remus seldom used if his appearance was anything to go by, and a series of photographs, all of them from more than a decade ago. Sirius couldn’t even look at them. With barely a glance, he pulled out his wand and flipped them so they lay face down.

As Buckbeak settled himself down on the threadbare rug, Sirius realised that he was quite certain that Remus had never brought a lover back to this room. It was the room of a man who lived in solitude and memory, nothing like what he’d imagined or, perhaps, feared. He’d thought Remus would have moved on, but it seemed as if he’d gone nowhere.

With the cold creeping back into his limbs, Sirius huddled under the blanket and closed his eyes. If he was lucky, he might get some sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

The next day, Sirius woke to find Remus absent. There was breakfast on the table – bread, margarine and honey – and a cup with a teabag in it beside the kettle. There was even a plate for Buckbeak, evidently scraps from Remus’s butchered rabbit. But of Remus there was no sign.

Hunger got the better of him, and Sirius ate before he started wondering whether he should go and look for Remus. He was reluctant to leave the cottage, but the cold stone walls and floor reminded him too much of Azkaban. He didn’t think he could stay there on his own.

Outside, the sun was beginning to break through the clouds, and while it wasn’t warm, it wasn’t freezing either. Leaving Buckbeak poking around in the bushes, he transformed into Padfoot and put his nose to the ground.

Remus’s scent led him along a narrow path, up the hill, to a flat patch of ground where he was tending a small garden. At the sight of Padfoot, Remus straightened up and stretched out his hand. Sirius trotted over to him and was getting a scratch behind the ears before he even realised what he was doing.

“How did you sleep?”

Sirius wagged his tail, although that was a lie. He’s tossed and turned most of the night – if it wasn’t the discomfort of the bed it was the memories haunting him – and he’d only really dropped off close to dawn.

“I’m just getting us some more potatoes. I’ve got leeks too – I could make another soup.”

Sirius wagged his tail again and Remus smiled.

“Do you still hate cabbage? I tend to eat rather a lot of it.”

He gestured to the garden where, indeed, there were quite a few cabbages. It was obvious that the garden provided a substantial proportion of Remus’s diet.

Sirius shook his head. He’d eat anything these days, and he wasn’t going to be fussy when Remus clearly had so little.

Sirius sat himself down and watched at Remus worked in the garden. It was easier to relax that way, as the sun slowly burned off the cloud and began to warm his coat. He felt something close to contentment, Padfoot’s doggy emotions simpler and calmer. It made it easier to forget the weight of history on them both, the mistrust, the betrayal, the years apart, the fact that they barely knew each other anymore.

Finally, Remus straightened up and stretched. 

“I’m going to check on the bees, do you want to come?”

Sirius stood, wagging his tail, then followed as Remus walked along another narrow path. This one went much further into the hills, through a patch of gorse in flower. The bees were flying around, in and out of the hives, landing on the flowers nearby or flying into the distance. Remus stood watching them, and Sirius sat beside him, letting the smells of the area float past his nose – the rich aroma of the hives, the gorse flowers, rabbits, sheep on a farm across the valley and Remus, who smelled of cheap soap and fresh sweat.

“I’m glad you’re here, you know,” Remus said finally, turning to Sirius. “It gives me a chance to say what I need to say in person. I tried to say it in my letters, but you never replied. I don’t know that it came across.”

Sirius was glad he was Padfoot and couldn’t respond. Perhaps that was why Remus was speaking.

“I’m so very sorry that I didn’t trust you, that I believed you were the traitor. I should have known you’d never betray James and Lily. Peter… I should have seen it. I should have seen that it was him.”

Remus paused, glancing down. Sirius avoided his eye and turned back to look at the bees.

“And I’m so sorry about that night. I know I messed everything up for you. I saw Peter on the map and I knew… I knew in that moment that he’d been the traitor and not you… I didn’t stop to think, and I should have. I realise that if I had… if I’d gone to get my last dose of potion… you could be free now and Peter would be in prison, and I’m so, so sorry. I know I can’t expect you to forgive me, but… but I just want you to know that.”

Sirius sat and waited. Remus was apologising for everything, except the one thing that he’d done that was unforgiveable. Did he know it was unforgiveable, and therefore he just wasn’t bothering to apologise? Or was he so far in the depths of denial that he somehow thought Sirius wouldn’t have known, and was pretending it had never happened.

When he realised that Remus had nothing more to say, Sirius turned tail and trotted away. He couldn’t stand to be around him any longer, not with _that_ between them. 

He travelled upwards, brushing by the gorse bushes which tugged at his matted coat, until he came out into somewhere more open. Then he began to run, stretching his body out, straining his muscles, drawing breaths deep into his lungs until he felt as if they would burst. Finally, he flopped down, panting. After a few minutes, he stood again and walked on, focusing on the smells and sounds around him and trying to drown on the voice in his head that just wanted to yell and scream at Remus for being such a coward, for being a liar, for cheating and then acting as if nothing had happened.

It was after dusk by the time he returned to the cottage. The moon was rising, and Sirius realised that it was nearly full. He wondered what would happen in a couple of nights – whether Remus would expect him to join him, just like the old days, as if nothing had ever happened.

Outside the cottage, he transformed back and opened the door. Remus was sitting there in darkness.

“It’s bloody freezing in here,” Sirius muttered, pulling out his wand and pointing it at the fireplace.

A warm blaze sprang up and the wood began to crackle. Sirius walked over and began warming his hands.

“I thought you weren’t going to come back,” Remus said.

“Where would I go?” Sirius said, his voice bitter.

Remus didn’t answer. Sirius heard him sigh, then stand up and walk over to the bench.

“I made more soup, if you’re hungry. Leek and potato. It will still be hot. It’s under a charm.”

Sirius realised he was starving. He’d become used to ignoring hunger in Azkaban, and he hadn’t yet got back into healthy eating habits. Although it was far from his favourite meal, certainly not in summer, a bowl of soup was better than nothing.

He turned away from the fire and walked towards Remus, who hadn’t waited for his answer and was ladling soup into a bowl.

“I’ve fed Buckbeak already. More rabbit.”

Sirius glanced across to where the hippogriff was settled in one corner. He looked smug, as if he’d been well-fed.

“What’s with the rabbits? Do you catch a lot?”

“It’s one of the jobs I do, for the farmer who owns this place. My income’s… a bit variable, so I do jobs in lieu of rent.”

Remus handed him the bowl, then placed a plate with bread on the table, before returning to the couch. He sat in silence, elbows on his knees and head in his hands, as Sirius ate. When Sirius had finished a second helping, Remus removed the plates before making tea and offering more gingernuts.

“Sirius, I…” he began, his voice hesitant. “I know you’re still angry at me, but… if there is anything… if I can do or say anything to make it right, please, just tell me. Please.”

Sirius dunked a gingernut in silence. Was Remus really that dense?

“You don’t get it, do you?” he said, eventually, once the biscuit was gone.

“Get what?”

“You’re just trying to go on as if nothing happened. You’ve got to stop lying to me, Remus. You owe me the truth.”

“The truth? I’m not sure I understand. The truth about what?”

Sirius stood up and began to pace. The room was far too small, but it settled some of the frustration that was bubbling up inside him.

“You cheated on me. You cheated, and you’re just trying to pretend it never happened. The least you could do is admit it.”

“What? I never cheated on you. That’s… no.”

“Stop lying to me.”

Sirius could hear his voice getting louder, but there was nobody else for miles and he didn’t care. Remus stood and took a few steps towards him.

“Sirius… Padfoot, no. I’d never do something like that, never. I… I loved you, I still love you… I always did, always will.”

“STOP LYING TO ME. I KNOW YOU DID.”

Remus was shaking his head, a wounded expression on his face.

“Please, Sirius, I promise you–“

“STOP LYING. I COULD SMELL IT ON YOU. YOU’D COME BACK FROM THOSE MISSIONS OF YOURS AND I COULD SMELL IT. YOU SMELLED OF SEX. YOU SMELLED OF ANOTHER MAN. I COULD SMELL HIM.”

The colour drained from Remus’s face and he stood, staring at Sirius with his eyes wide.

“See, you do know what I mean,” Sirius said, feeling deflated at finally seeing the truth on Remus’s face.

“I… no, I… I never…”

Remus shook his head.

“Why, Remus? Wasn’t I enough for you?”

“Please, Sirius. Please don’t do this.”

“Don’t do what? Make you admit the truth? Make you face up to what you did?”

Sirius was close to Remus now, and moving closer as Remus backed away. The anger began to rise in him again.

“You don’t understand, Sirius.”

“NO, I DON’T UNDERSTAND. HOW COULD YOU? HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME? I LOVED YOU. I LOVED YOU AND YOU BROKE MY HEART.”

Remus stepped back again, until he collided with the wall.

“Please, Sirius, just leave it.”

“I’M NOT LEAVING IT. I WANT TO KNOW WHO IT WAS. I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU WERE LAUGHING ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK.”

Sirius grabbed Remus’s arm and Remus let out a sound, like a frightened animal. He twisted his body away, then stumbled, falling to his knees.

“Don’t touch me, please.”

Sirius let go and Remus curled into himself as if he was trying to make himself as small as possible.

“Who was it, Remus? At least you owe me that.”

Remus let out a shaking sigh, drew in a sharp breath and then breathed out the words so softly that Sirius almost missed them.

“Fenrir Greyback.”

“WHAT? THAT MONSTER? HOW COULD YOU?”

Remus whimpered again, and Sirius felt the realisation run through him as if he’d been hit by lightning. The world seemed to shift, everything tilted out of alignment, off balance, except, he realised, it was quite the opposite. Everything he had believed for the last thirteen years was utterly, horribly wrong, and he was only now seeing the truth.

“Remus,” he said, dropping to his knees beside the huddled figure. “Remus, tell me what happened.”

Remus shook his head.

“Remus… did he, did Greyback…”

Sirius felt sick just thinking about it, but he had to know.

“Remus, did Greyback… did he… force you to... did he rape you?”

Remus had gone completely still, apart from his shoulders rising and falling with each breath.

“Remus?”

There was no response and Sirius felt panic rise inside him.

“Remus? Please talk to me.”

Remus turned his head. His gaze was slightly off, as if he wasn’t quite seeing Sirius. He opened his mouth, as if he was about to speak, but then said nothing.

“You’re scaring me, Remus. Please say something.”

Remus looked down and took a shuddering breath.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, and Sirius felt as if something had been torn apart inside him. Remus looked so lost and broken, and Sirius wanted to scream. Why hadn’t he said something? If Remus had only told him, everything might have been alright.

Sirius remembered that night, as vividly as if it had been yesterday. It had replayed in his head, over and over, in the presence of the dementors. Remus had returned from a mission, a few days after the full moon, ragged and worn, avoiding his eye, tight-lipped. He was moving carefully, as if he was afraid he would fall apart, and Sirius had had no idea what to say to him.

He’d never been any good at things like that. Physical wounds were fine – he and Regulus had been patching each other up from a young age and he’d looked after Remus after many a rough full moon. But emotional scenes were different. Remus was good with that kind of thing. He was always a patient listener, never complaining when Sirius needed to rant about his parents, his brother, or any other of his inbred and insane relatives. But Sirius never knew what to say or do when the roles were reversed. Most of the time Remus made it easy for him because he never seemed to expect anything – he was so stoic, barely even flinching in pain at the worst of his wounds.

But that night, he’d looked utterly wretched, and Sirius had panicked. All he could think to do was transform into Padfoot and comfort Remus that way, but when he did… Sirius thought of that moment and felt ill. He’d transformed, and then he’d smelled it – another man’s scent – and he’d jumped straight to the conclusion that Remus’s haunted look had been guilt at cheating on Sirius.

Sirius felt the anger rising and he wanted to blame Remus, but he knew that was unfair. Nothing Sirius had ever said or done would have made it easy for Remus to tell him something like that. And once Sirius had decided Remus was cheating, there had been no chance at all. He’d closed off his heart and been cold and distant, driving Remus away. When he’d smelled the man’s scent on Remus again, after the next mission, it had simply confirmed Sirius’s judgement. He’d been horrible to him, and Remus had looked so confused and sad, and it just made Sirius more angry, because he thought that Remus had no right to pretend he had no idea what was going on and … shit, shit, shit. Sirius wanted to slap himself for his stupidity, but it was all too late for that. All he could do was to try and make things right _now_.

“Remus, please, don’t apologise. It’s _my_ fault.”

Remus shook his head, taking one gasping breath, and then another, before speaking.

“I… I should have…”

His voice trailed off and he shook his head once again. Sirius felt all the anger drain away from him. He wanted to gather Remus up in his arms and just make everything go away, but it was far from being that simple. He had no idea where to start in putting this right. He knelt beside Remus for far too long, hesitating about whether to speak to him, to touch him or to leave him alone.

Finally, he began to feel the cold of the floor seep through into his legs.

“Remus, you can’t be comfortable, kneeling there like that. Can you get up?”

Remus didn’t look comfortable, on his knees, hunched forward, arms wrapped around his middle as if he felt ill.

“Remus, Moony… love, can you hear me?”

Remus just kept staring, his eyes blank. Finally, Sirius waved a hand in front of his eyes. The motion seemed to bring Remus’s eyes into focus, and he gave a little frown of confusion. 

“Alright there, Remus? You look like you’d drifted off somewhere.”

Remus sighed, looking down.

“Sorry.”

“It’s alright, please don’t apologise. I’m the one that’s sorry. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

“I’ve done everything wrong. I’ve wrecked everything.”

“No… no, Remus.”

Sirius almost began arguing, but then stopped himself. Right now, Remus needed _him_ to be the sensible one, Merlin help them both. _Up off the floor_ , he said to himself. _Sit somewhere more comfortable first_. He could do this.

“Remus, you don’t look very comfortable there.”

“I… I’m okay.”

“How about you get off the floor. That would be better, wouldn’t it?”

He offered Remus his hand, then waited. Slowly, after taking a few slow breaths, Remus uncurled his fingers from where they were gripping his cardigan, and took Sirius’s hand. Sirius stood, then offered Remus his other hand, which he took more quickly. Then Sirius pulled Remus upright.

He stumbled a bit, off balance, and fell against Sirius.

“I’ve got you, Moony,” he said, the old nickname slipping easily from his lips.

Remus stayed leaning against him, and it still seemed as if he wasn’t quite present, so Sirius slipped an arm around his waist. He had a sudden sense of being watched, and realised that Buckbeak, who’d been asleep with his head under one wing when he’d last looked, was now wide awake. Unblinking eyes followed Sirius as he slowly walked Remus over to the couch.

“Here, sit down and I’ll get you some tea.”

Remus sat down, sighed and rested his head in his hands. Sirius wasn’t sure that tea was quite what was needed, but he couldn’t think what else to do. He’d have gone for alcohol, but he hadn’t noticed any in the cottage, and there weren’t many places to hide it. Tea would have to do.


	3. Chapter 3

Pulling out his wand, Sirius began making tea. He filled then boiled the kettle, dug around for teabags and sugar and found the milk under a chilling charm. There were a few more scraps of rabbit, so he tossed the scraps to Buckbeak before dumping a couple of spoonfuls of sugar in both cups. He had no idea whether Remus still took his tea with sugar, but he probably needed the calories.

He walked over and put his own tea on the ground next to the couch.

“Here,” he said, “drink this.”

When Remus didn’t respond, he sat down next to him and nudged Remus’s hand with the teacup.

“Sorry,” Remus mumbled, at least the third time he’d apologised to Sirius for no good reason that evening.

“Take the cup, Remus. The tea will do you good.”

Remus followed his direction, wrapping both hands around the cup even though it must have been hot. His hands were shaking as he raised the cup to his lips and Sirius reached over and steadied it.

“Let me help you, love.”

Remus swallowed a mouthful, then lowered his hands.

“Is that okay? Do you still take sugar?”

Remus shook his head.

“I got it for you. But it’s okay.”

Sirius wasn’t sure whether Remus truly didn’t mind the sugar or was being stoic again. Either was possible.

“Are you sure? I could make you another. How do you take it these days?”

“Usually black with honey.”

“Oh, that’s…”

Something clicked in his brain. Remus kept bees, of course he had honey – it was free. Milk and sugar were luxuries.

“It’s fine, honestly.”

Remus lifted the cup to his lips again, as if to emphasise his point. His hands were trembling less and he seemed more like he was right there, in the room, beside Sirius.

“You got the milk and sugar for me? Did you get the gingernuts too?”

Remus nodded.

“I just thought… something familiar, you know. Something you liked.”

“Thank you, that was… that was very thoughtful. But how did you know I was coming? I was supposed to be contacting you.”

“Arabella sent me a message. You’d been to see her, said Dumbledore had told you to stay with me.”

“Ara… Mrs Figg? Why would she…?”

Remus shrugged.

“We keep in touch.”

Arabella Figg had always struck Sirius as a mad old biddy and he’d never understood how she was part of the Order. As a squib, she could contribute very little. Sirius wondered why Remus kept in touch with her. It wasn’t as if he was a cat enthusiast.

“Do you keep in touch with the others?”

Remus shook his head.

“No, just her. She… well, among other things, she’s kept me updated about Harry.”

“Oh, of course. Did you ever get to see him?”

Remus shook his head, and Sirius couldn’t help but notice his shoulders sagged a little more.

“I’m sure Dumbledore had his reasons, but… it never seemed right, you know. I should have been there.”

“You never saw him at all?”

Remus shook his head and sighed.

“Once or twice at a distance, but I wasn’t supposed to. Dumbledore wouldn’t let me. Said it was for Harry’s own good. I… I didn’t understand but… he knows what he’s doing, Dumbledore. He would have had his reasons. I wouldn’t have made much of a parent anyway.”

Sirius felt his shoulders tense up again. Part of it was frustration at Remus, but he knew that wasn’t entirely fair. Remus had been so pathetically grateful to be at Hogwarts, he’d have done anything that Dumbledore said. Even return to Fenrir Greyback and the werewolf packs after... after what had happened.

“I’m sorry, Sirius. I know I let you down. I should have… I should have tried harder. Maybe if–“

“Don’t do that, Remus. I… I do understand. Damned hard to go against Dumbledore, I know.”

Remus sighed and drank some more tea.

“Are you still angry at me?” he said, after he’d put his cup down again.

Sirius shook his head.

“No… oh, no. I’m not. I… I’m afraid I got things wrong. I thought you… I’m sorry, I thought you cheated on me. That was me being… oh, Merlin, I’m such an idiot.”

Remus sighed again, looking down.

“I’m right, aren’t I?”

Remus glanced up warily.

“About what?”

“About Greyback. What he did.”

The colour drained from Remus’s face again. He breathed out slowly and his hands clenched around his mug of tea.

“I don’t… I don’t want to talk about him.”

“I know, Remus. But I think that you owe me the truth. Something happened, when you were on your missions. Something you didn’t tell me about at the time. Something… something bad.”

Remus closed his eyes and breathed out another slow breath. Finally, he nodded.

“I’m sorry, I know… I know I should have told you. But… I didn’t want to talk about it, and I thought it would upset you.”

Sirius swallowed down the frustration that boiled up inside him. He wasn’t frustrated with Remus anymore, but at himself, at the man he had once been. He knew exactly what Remus meant.

“I’m sorry, Remus… Moony. I’m sorry that I made it difficult for you to tell me.”

Remus shook his head.

“I should… It’s my fault. Everything. If I’d told you… maybe…”

“Remus…”

Sirius slid off the couch and onto the floor in front of Remus. He took the tea from his hands and placed it on the floor. Then he reached out and brushed Remus’s cheek, before crooking his fingers under his chin and tilting his head so he could look into his eyes.

“Moony, my love, that’s all past. I’m here now. You can tell me now.”

Remus’s eyes filled with tears. He covered his face with his hand, but Sirius caught his wrist.

“I couldn’t…” he said, his voice catching, eyes still trying to avoid Sirius. “He… I couldn’t stop him. I tried… I did try… but I couldn’t. Some of the others were watching. They… they were laughing… and he…”

Remus closed his eyes and took a slow breath. When he didn’t say any more, Sirius spoke.

“Did he rape you, Remus?”

For a moment, Remus was motionless, and Sirius wondered if his mind had gone back into whatever place it had gone to earlier. But then, he gave a slow nod.

Sirius got up off the floor and moved so that he was sitting next to Remus on the couch. He slid his arms around Remus and pulled him close, holding on as he felt the bony body in his arms begin to shudder. Remus let out a sound that was halfway between a whimper and a sob, and Sirius pulled him tighter.

“I’ve got you, Moony. I’m here now.”

Remus let out another desperate sound, and his hands were suddenly gripping Sirius’s shirt. His face was pressed into the side of Sirius’s neck and it was as if he was trying to get as close as humanly possible.

“It’s alright, it’s alright, Moony.”

Remus shook his head and let out another gasping sob.

“No…” he said, mouth still pressed against Sirius’s neck. “It’s not alright… it’s not.”

He shook his head again, and Sirius knew that he was right. It wasn’t alright, and it hadn’t been for a very long time. All those years, Remus had been carrying that inside, alone, while Sirius was thinking the worst of him.

Sirius sighed and tilted his head slightly, so his mouth was closer to Remus ear.

“No, you’re right, Moony. It’s not alright. I’m sorry. But I’m here now, I’m right here.”

“Don’t… don’t leave me again… please, Padfoot,” Remus whispered, and then he seemed to lose control completely, his whole body wracked with great spasming sobs.

“I won’t, love. I’m here. I’m right here.”

It felt as if Remus was falling apart in his arms, his back heaving, his breaths coming in choked gasps, his hands holding onto Sirius as if he would be dragged away if he let go. Sirius held just as tight, whether for Remus’s comfort or his own he wasn’t sure, because Remus never lost control, never, not unless he was in the grip of the full moon, and it terrified Sirius. He felt as he might lose control too, releasing a flood of grief, for Remus, carrying his pain alone for all those years, for himself, alone in that cold cell, believing that Remus hadn’t loved him enough, for James, who’d died on his doorstep trying to protect his family, for Lily, who’d died in front of her son and saved his life, and for Harry, growing up alone and unloved. He cried for them all, for all those wasted years. He could feel the tears running down his face, but somehow holding on to Remus’s shaking body was enough of an anchor and he realised that he wasn’t going to be swept away. Remus needed him, his Remus, his gentle, faithful Remus who’d never stopped loving him, and Sirius was going to be alright.

“Shh, now, Moony. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

He stroked the back of Remus’s neck with one hand, his fingers caressing scars that hadn’t been there the last time Sirius had held him, and found himself rocking, drawing on some primal instinct to comfort. Remus kept clinging to him, kept sobbing, and it made Sirius ache to know that he should have been there earlier. But _now_ would have to do. He was here, he wasn’t getting swept away, he was holding Remus now and that was all that he could do.

It took a long time before Remus’s body stopped its convulsive heaving and settled to him snuffling against Sirius’s hair. 

“Shh, my love,” Sirius said, as Remus tried to say something that he couldn’t understand.

“I’m sorry… I… I’m sorry,” Remus said, his words choked.

“No, love, don’t apologise.”

“No… no… I ruined everything… I…”

“Remus, no.”

Sirius loosened his arms and pulled back slightly, so that he could see Remus’s face.

“Look at me, Remus, come on.”

Remus lifted his head slightly, met Sirius’s eye, then dropped his eyes again, shaking his head.

“Remus, this is not your fault.”

He shook his head.

“I… I should have been more careful. I…”

Sirius waited, taking a deep breath instead of disagreeing. In his younger days, he’d have cut Remus off to tell him he was wrong, but he’d learned patience, finally. He knew it was better to let Remus speak first. _Then_ tell him how wrong he was.

“That first time… I… it was when… I came back to report to Dumbledore… he wanted me to go straight back to the pack… but I went to see you first. I shouldn’t have… but I missed you… I needed you. But… when I went back to the werewolves… he… he smelled you on me… we’d been… together… he… he just… he was so angry… he said I was… he called me… he called me… it wasn’t nice…”

“Remus, what did he call you?”

“He…”

Remus shook his head.

“Tell me.”

He seemed to shrink at the firm tone in Sirius’s voice.

“I’m not upset with you, Remus. I just need you to tell me.”

“He called me… a dirty slut and… a whore. And then he said… he said that I… I belonged to him. That he had _made_ me and that… I was his. He said… he said that whenever I… was with anyone else… he’d make sure I thought of him. And then… that’s when… he… he…”

Remus gave another choked sob and Sirius thought that he might break inside.

“Oh, Remus, love.”

“I’m sorry, Sirius. I’m sorry. I should’ve… I…”

“No, Remus. Don’t say that. This is not your fault.”

“No…”

“Remus, listen to me.”

Remus went still at the sharpness in Sirius’s tone.

“Remus, this wasn’t your fault. You… Don’t blame yourself. This was him. It’s what _he_ did. His choice to hurt you. You did nothing wrong. Do you understand that.”

Remus lifted his eyes to meet Sirius’s for a moment, then dropped them again.

“I… It doesn’t feel that way.”

Sirius sighed and pulled Remus a little tighter.

“Yeah, but… it’s not true, okay? This isn’t your fault.”

“But I… if I’d done what Dumbledore had said, he’d never have smelled you on me, and then… that was my fault. I should have–“

“No, Remus–“

“Yes, Sirius. I keep thinking… there are so many things I could have done differently. Even if… if after, I had told you… you wouldn’t have thought I was cheating. You would have trusted me and… maybe you would have known Peter was… you know… it’s just all gone so wrong and I could have–“

“Remus, stop.”

At his sharp tone, Remus flinched, but he stopped speaking. Sirius pulled back again and waited for Remus to lift his head and meet his eyes.

“That way lies madness, Moony. The what-ifs, the could-haves, the should-haves… you’ll drive yourself insane. Trust me, I know a bit about not going insane. Hard to believe, I know, but there you go.”

He gave Remus a small grin, a hint of mischief, and it drew a hesitant smile from Remus in return.

“Look, when I was first in Azkaban, I nearly went mad, like so many do there. I just kept going over everything in my head and thinking how it could have been different. There’s no escaping the dementors, you just keep reliving the bad memories and thinking “if only”. But… well… if I wanted to be there for Harry, one day, I knew that I needed to survive. And keep some sanity, at least. The only way was to focus on what was to come. I couldn’t change the past. I couldn’t change where I was, not then. But what I could do something about was the future. I knew I needed to find Peter. I needed to prove it was him. I had no idea how, until I saw that picture, but… it gave me something to focus on. And I knew that Harry would need his godfather. James and Lily would have wanted me to find a way to get to him. So I… I thought about Harry. About being there when he needed me to be there. It wasn’t a happy memory, it wasn’t a happy thought at all because he’d lost everything and it was so sad thinking about him without his parents just as a baby, but… well, it meant that the dementors couldn’t take it from me.”

Remus was looking at him, uncertain. Sirius have him another small smile and reached out, placing a hand on his upper arm and stroking down to his elbow.

“I know… you are wondering who I am and what I’ve done with Sirius Black. Since when did I get sensible?”

Remus raised his eyebrows.

“Maybe a bit, yeah. I… I thought you stayed sane by transforming into Padfoot.”

“Yeah, that too. But I had to be a human some of the time, unfortunately. And one of the things I remembered was something Mr Potter had said to me, about how what you do right now can’t change the past but it can change the future. I was able to focus on that memory because he’d said it to me when I’d done something stupid. I hadn’t given it much thought at the time, but in that cell… I understood him. So I hung on, because as long as I survived and was sane, there was still a chance.”

“Padfoot, that must have been…”

Remus frowned and reached out his hand. He hesitated for a moment and made eye contact with Sirius, before placing it gently on Sirius’s arm.

“Yeah, I can’t say I recommend it. The food’s lousy, the staff horrid and it’s got the ambience of a Medieval torture chamber. When I write my travel guide, I’ll be giving it no more than half a star. At least the roof never leaked, otherwise it wouldn’t have had any stars at all.”

That brought another smile to Remus’s face.

“And here?” he asked. “The roof does leak when the wind’s from the north, I’m afraid, but I’m sure that the lack of dementors more than compensates.”

“Undoubtedly. There’s tea, toast and hot soup, and the roof only leaks sometimes. And you’re here. I’d have to mark this one as “practically perfect”.”

Remus looked down, unable, Sirius suspected, to tolerate the compliment.

“Remus, there’s nowhere I’d rather be, you know that, don’t you? I’ve missed you so much and I’m just hoping you can find it in you to forgive me.”

Remus looked up again.

“Of course. I… I just hope you can forgive me.”

“Remus, you need to stop blaming yourself.”

“But… it’s more than that. After that time when I came home and you… you thought… well, after that, I went back... to the werewolves… to _him_. I knew what would happen. I knew what he would do and I… I still went back.”

Sirius felt his anger returning, a tightness creeping into his chest and travelling up into his shoulders.

“Did Dumbledore know? Did he know what Greyback did?”

Remus shook his head.

“I never told him.”

Sirius felt the knot in his chest pull tighter, and the tension in his shoulders kept climbing until he felt it in his jaw.

“This is Albus Dumbledore we are talking about,” he said, hoping his anger wasn’t coming out in his voice. “Hard to believe he didn’t know something was going on.”

Remus shook his head again.

“He knew I hated going anyway. He probably didn’t notice anything was different.”

“Oh, Remus. That’s… that’s just so wrong. It was unfair for him to have asked you in the first place. And even worse for him to expect you to keep going back.”

“But I wanted to. Even though I hated it… I just… well, nobody else in the Order could do it. Just me, because I… It made me feel useful, like I was contributing something.”

Sirius let out a long, slow breath as he tried to loosen the knot of anger inside him. He couldn’t expect anything different from Dumbledore – he was, in Sirius’s experience, very much a man for whom the end justified the means. And Remus, desperately grateful for his chance to attend Hogwarts and to be treated like a normal person instead of a monster, would have done whatever he’d asked.

“Oh, Remus. I wish it hadn’t been that way. I just wish I could make all of this go away for you.”

Remus sighed and let his head fall forwards until his forehead touched Sirius’s, just as he used to all those years ago, before things had gone to hell.

“I know. I wish I could make all those years disappear for you too. Make it that we’d been looking after Harry. Or better still, James and Lily never died at all. I… It still hurts, you know. I still miss them.”

Sirius slipped his arms around Remus, pulling him in tighter.

“Yeah, I know, me too.”


	4. Chapter 4

Sirius held Remus for a few slow breaths, remembering James and Lily, feeling their loss like a hole inside his chest, before releasing him.

“How about another cup of tea? I feel like there’s a lot we need to talk about still. Actually, don’t suppose you’ve got any firewhisky?”

Remus looked away.

“No. Don’t have any alcohol here. I’ve found it best not to.”

“Ah, got you. Sorry.”

Remus leaned himself back against the couch and closed his eyes. Sirius picked up the teacups – his own was still full but cold and with a skin formed on the milk – and walked over to the sink, where he emptied and rinsed them. He reboiled the kettle and made two fresh cups, ignoring Buckbeak, who was watching him hopefully. 

“How much honey?”

Remus opened his eyes.

“Oh, about a teaspoon. I’m not fussy.”

Sirius stirred in the honey before making his own tea. Then he walked back to the couch and handed Remus’s cup over. Buckbeak turned away, giving a faint huff, then tucked his head back under his wing.

“Thanks, Padfoot. You’ve been very patient with me. Especially when I’m supposed to be looking after you.”

“Who told you that? I’m not some fragile flower. I’m fine. I…”

Remus said nothing, but when Sirius met his eye, he raised his eyebrows slightly.

“Well, I’m honestly not great, but… look, I’m not so stuck in my own head that I can’t be there for you as well.”

Remus sighed and looked down again. Sirius sat down beside him, then shifted over so that their thighs were touching.

“It’s okay, Moony. It really is. You don’t have to be alright all the time. Not with me, yeah?”

Remus appeared to be inspecting his tea closely. Sirius wondered whether Remus believed him – he’d have good reason if he didn’t, especially after Sirius had so badly misread the situation with Greyback.

“You do know that, don’t you?” Sirius said, when Remus didn’t respond. “I’m not twenty anymore. I’ve grown up a bit, learned a few things. I’m not the same man that I was.”

Remus sighed and the spark which Sirius had glimpsed seemed to go out again.

“Nor am I,” he said. “But I’m not sure you’ll like the change so much.”

Sirius felt something inside him curl up into a tight ball, as if it wanted to run away and hide, instead of facing the reality in front of him. They’d once been young, and had shared a passion that burned hot and bright, but that was gone now, consumed in the flames of jealousy and suspicion, and by a war that had taken everything from them. They were both different men, changed almost beyond recognition, tired and old beyond their years, and more than a little broken.

But there was something else as well. Perhaps the fiery passion was burned out, but, for the first time in years, Sirius could feel a tiny kernel of hope. It was like a seed which had survived the flames, and now, in the fresh rain, was pushing out roots and a tiny green leaf. Because he was here, with Remus, who still loved him, despite everything. And, he realised, he still loved Remus.

He took his hand and placed it over Remus’s.

“You’re perfect as you are, my love. You’re you, and that’s what counts to me. I’m just so glad to have you back.”

“I… I don’t know about that. There is more… more you don’t know about the things I’ve done. After… after everything, when I left my father… I did things that I’m not proud of.”

Sirius gulped down some of his tea, feeling it slightly scalding against his mouth but not caring. It was reassuring.

“Remus, what happened with your Dad? I thought you got on alright with your parents. They always seemed… decent.”

Remus glanced up and then down again, before giving a sigh. He sipped his tea cautiously. With no milk in it, Sirius assumed it was hotter than his was.

“Yeah, they were. It was just… I suppose I let things get to me and I… I just lost it and… well, it wasn’t reparable after that.”

Sirius watched him, taking another mouthful of tea instead of replying. He found it hard to believe that the relationship between Remus and his father had reached that point – Remus’s family weren’t like the Blacks. But Sirius knew there was something that Remus wasn’t telling him.

“Are you sure, Remus? What happened?”

“When I went home, after… after James and Lily…”

He gave a heavy sigh.

“So after that… Mum was dying, we knew that by then, and so I went home for a bit. But she and Dad, they wanted me to start again… trying out this healer or that… well, not actually sure that most of them were really healers… whoever they could find who promised they might have something which would cure lycanthropy. I…”

Remus sighed again and sipped more of his tea. Sirius thought he could detect Remus’s hands shaking again.

“When you say ‘ _they wanted you to start again_ ’, you mean…? Was this something they’d done before, taken to you these… these charlatans?”

“Yeah,” he said, his body sagging a little more. “For… for as long back as I can remember. And I hated it, I hated it so much, even when I was young.”

“But that’s… there’s no cure. Not even any treatment until the Wolfsbane potion. Surely… your father was in the Beasts Division in the Ministry. He’d have known that even if your mother didn’t.”

Remus shrugged.

“Some of them… they didn’t exactly say it would work… they’d say it was _experimental_ … that it was _under development_ … sometimes they’d just say they’d had plenty of successes and it must have been something about me…”

“Oh, Moony. That’s… that’s not fair.”

He lifted his hand and placed it on the back of Remus’s neck. Remus shrugged again, as if to say it was nothing, but Sirius could see that it wasn’t.

“I hated it… the treatments, some of them were so horrible, but… I couldn’t… it meant so much to them. And every time it didn’t work… I… I felt like I’d failed them.”

Sirius felt creeping tendrils of ice reaching inside him, as if he was in the grip of a dementor. This, he realised, was what Remus hadn’t been telling him about his life at home, the thing that sometimes made his skin prickle or his stomach twist when he was around Remus and his parents.

“The treatments… when you say they were horrible…”

“Often they’d be potions I’d have to drink. They’d taste awful – a lot worse than Wolfsbane – and make me feel so ill. Sometimes I felt so sick I… I’d throw up, and then… I’d have to drink more and that was such a waste of money and… my parents spent so much on me. Sometimes there were spells and rituals – quite often they’d require me to stay for the full moon and they’d lock me in a cage or chain me to the wall and do… Merlin knows what, my memory was always pretty confused after. But that was always what I hated the most because I’d wake up somewhere unfamiliar and I’d just want my Mum but there would be this healer – this charlatan, I suppose, as you said – and they’d look at me as if… as if they couldn’t stand the sight of me. Often I’d be injured. And most of them weren’t particularly gentle about healing me. Some of them were… they weren’t nice people. Sometimes I wondered whether they hurt me on purpose. Others weren’t so bad. But I never could tell, when I first met them, and that scared me.”

Remus paused and took a couple of breaths. He was looking away from Sirius, but Sirius could see the tension in his jaw as he tried to keep control of himself.

“Remus…”

The tendrils of ice were right through him now, twisted around Sirius’s stomach and chest. At least _he_ had been able to see that the way his parents treated him was abusive. Remus still seemed to believe that his parents had done it for his own good. Sirius swallowed the rising nausea back down and tried to keep his voice calm.

“Did this happen… was it before you came to Hogwarts?”

Remus nodded.

“And after… in the holidays. But when school finished, when I left home, I refused to go any more. I just couldn’t take any more. I was… it was just horrible and I hated it and… well, my parents weren’t happy about that at all.”

The tendrils kept moving, creeping up to his neck, prickling the back of his scalp. He’d known there was something wrong, but he’d never asked. He’d been afraid of what he might hear. He’d seen it when Remus returned after the holidays, looking haunted, and towards the end of term, when Remus would grow increasingly anxious. But he’d never said anything, because it was just the same for him and he didn’t think he could handle any more.

“Oh, Remus, I’m sorry.”

“I know that I should be grateful that my parents cared enough to try, but… I just… I just wish they hadn’t. Because it was so… well, the potions made me sick and the spells were agonising and I just… I hated it so much. And then, when I went home, when Mum was sick, they put pressure on me to start again… she was dying and it made her happy that I was trying.”

Remus’s voice caught, and Sirius moved the hand at the back of his neck across to his far shoulder, and pulled him closer.

“That… that wasn’t fair of them, love. Not at all. They shouldn’t have–“

“They did their best for me. They nearly bankrupted themselves paying for the all treatments. I… I just…”

His voice caught again and he turned his face away, but Sirius lifted his hand to Remus’s face and gently turned it. Remus looked down but he couldn’t hide that his eyes were filling with tears.

“I… I started to… started to think that I’d rather… stay as a… a werewolf… I just couldn’t… and I… I said… after Mum died… I just couldn’t do it anymore and… that’s what I said to Dad… that I’d rather stay as…. he was so angry… he… I…”

Remus lifted his hand to his face and took a couple of slow breaths. Sirius just wanted to pull him back into his arms, but there was still more that Remus had to say, he could see, so he waited, moving his hand slowly up and down on Remus’s back.

“He said… oh, Merlin, I’m sorry… he was so angry, he said that he… he’d hoped that since James and Peter were dead and you… you were in prison… he hoped that I might… that I wouldn’t be under your influence any more… that I’d come to my senses… he…”

“Remus…”

Sirius felt as if the ice had frozen him in place. He felt as if he would choke as he tried to draw in a deep, calming breath, his throat tight, his chest crushed. His mother had said some pretty awful things to him, but this was something different, not just shrieking abuse in a fit of rage, but control disguised as concern.

“And I… I said that you… all of you… were the only people who really cared about me… that… when I was with you… it didn’t matter that I was a werewolf… you… that you made me feel… as if I was alright… and he… he said that he’d always know that you were a bad influence on me… not the kind of friend he’d hoped I’d make when I went to Hogwarts… he was disappointed that I still couldn’t see it… especially after… after you’d…”

“Moony… love…”

He had no idea how he could even force the words from his throat, but Remus didn’t even seem to hear.

“And I… I said that you weren’t my friend… you were my lover and I… that you’d done more for me… that you’d helped me more than… than they ever did… and that… that I still loved you and … I said it was all lies… that I didn’t believe you… that you had… done what they said you’d done… and then… he said… he said he was glad my mother was dead because it would have killed her to see… to see the truth about the kind of man I’d become… that I… I was a… filthy faggot and a shame to my family…”

The tears were running freely down his cheeks again and sobs once again overtook his body. Sirius pulled him close then, curling his arms around him, holding him tight, feeling his back heave and his body shudder.

“Oh, Remus, love, that’s… that’s such a horrible thing to say…”

Remus shook his head.

“If I hadn’t…”

“No, Remus… don’t do that. They were _his_ words.”

He held his anger in tighter even than he held Remus. It wouldn’t do to let it out now. It wouldn’t help Remus if Sirius got angry with his father. But it didn’t make him any less angry.

Remus was still shaking his head, so Sirius pulled back slightly, lifting his hand to Remus’s face, wiping away the tears that were falling and brushing his hair back.

“It’s alright, Remus. What he said… those were hurtful things. It was wrong for him to say them, no matter what you had said to him.”

Remus seemed to slump further.

“It was true, you know,” he said, looking away from Sirius. “When I said you’d done more for me. Becoming animagi… that was, I know I said it at the time, but it was only when I’d lost you again that I realised how much difference it had truly made. It was the only thing that ever made me feel any better, that reduced my pain afterwards, but also how I felt beforehand. Until Wolfsbane, that is. And even then, it…”

His voice caught and he paused, jaw clenched, obviously trying to hold back from crying again.

“It was just… I still feel like I didn’t thank you enough. What you did… what you all did, even Peter – even though I’m so angry at his betrayal, I can’t forget what he did for me.”

“I’m pretty sure you did thank us, you know. If I remember correctly, you thanked us at every full moon. That’s, what, about fifty transformations we had together?”

“I make it forty-six – there were more and more towards the end of the war where I was away.”

Sirius gave Remus a smile and brushed away a few more tears.

“It was worth it, you know, all the effort. When I saw how much of a difference it made for you.”

Remus glanced away again.

But,” Sirius continued, “we weren’t geniuses. Our idea wasn’t entirely original. I think it was someone whose brother was a werewolf who first tried it. His animagus form was a lion, which turned out to be pretty useful at keeping a werewolf under control. I read about it somewhere. Think I must have read every book in the whole Hogwarts library that mentioned werewolves. Most of them were rubbish, but that one…”

Remus was frowning slightly.

“You really… you read all those books? For…”

“For you, love. I read them for you.”

Sirius took a breath and let it out slowly, focusing on Remus’s face. There were new scars, including one particularly nasty one which went through one eyebrow and narrowly missed his eye, and he looked so much older than the image Sirius had held in his mind for all those years. And so tired.

Remus was still frowning, the worry line between his brows a deep crease, like a well-trodden path. Sirius took another slow breath, knowing that what he was about to say wasn’t likely to make that better. But it needed to be said.

“The thing is, Remus, I read all that… your father could have read it too. He’d have had access to the Ministry library. All the Ministry experts on lycanthropy. And yet, he chose instead to take you to those… those con artists, those frauds with their false promises…”

Sirius paused and waited to see whether Remus was following him, but his frown just grew deeper.

“He did what he thought was best for me.”

Sirius nodded.

“Moony, love, do you think, maybe, he did what was best for _him_ , rather than you? The best thing for you… that wouldn’t have been… well, forcing you to undergo those treatments, when they hurt you, when they made you so ill, when he must have known there was little chance they would work. He could have tried to become an animagus, so he could be with you. But he… well, that would have meant accepting you. Accepting that you’d always be a werewolf.”

“No… he… did what was best. For me.”

Remus’s voice had dropped to little more than a whisper, and Sirius could feel his uncertainty.

“I don’t think he did, Remus. I think he did what was best for his own conscience, because he felt guilty. What he did, forcing you to undergo all those awful treatments. That was… that was wrong.”

Sirius felt a stab of guilt as he saw the tears return to Remus’s eyes.

“Pads, leave it, please. He–“

“Moony… listen. He… what he did, what they both did… what they put you through, that was… that was wrong. It was abuse. They forced you to have those treatments, when it wasn’t the best thing for you at all. When you didn’t want to. When they most have known it wasn’t doing any good.”

“No…”

Remus shook his head.

“No, that’s not… they didn’t… They spent all their money on me, they… we travelled all over Britain, parts of Europe too… even visited a healer in the US…”

There was an edge to his voice, a rising pitch of hysteria. Sirius knew he was pushing, challenging some of Remus’s strongly-held beliefs, and it made his stomach churn to see the pain he was causing, but he understood, better than most, that Remus needed to see the truth. Because otherwise he’d spend the rest of his life blaming himself for what his parents had done to him.

“Remus,” he said, keeping his voice low, trying it imitate the tone Euphemia Potter took when Sirius was upset, “Your mother, she… she may not have understood, she may not have realised that these people were just selling false hope, but your father… he should have known better. What he did was wrong.”

Remus shook his head.

“They… I… I never…

His voice caught and he paused, before continuing in a near-whisper.

“I never said _no_. I never said… I never told them how much I hated it. They wouldn’t have known.”

“They must have noticed, Remus. They must have seen how it upset you, that you were suffering, that you were in pain. If they cared, they must have noticed. And yet they kept on. It was still abuse, love, even if you didn’t… even if you couldn’t say no.”’

“It wasn’t,” he said, his voice now dropping low and hushed. “That’s not right. It wasn’t… they did what was best. They did it for me…”

“But it wasn’t what you wanted them to do, Remus. You…”

Remus shook his head again.

“I… didn’t, but I did. It was… it’s hard to explain.”

“Oh, Remus,” Sirius said as Remus’s eyes once again overflowed with tears. 

“I should have… maybe… I should have said something. Because I just… just held it all inside and then… but I just couldn’t… they’d have been so disappointed. I just… I hated what I’d done to them… they’d fight sometimes, usually about money and… I just… I ruined their lives.”

“No… Remus, no. That’s… you can’t blame yourself for that. None of it was your fault.”

“But I… I was sure… I thought… and… I hated it, but then I’d think, maybe… what if this time it’s different… what if this time it works… I just couldn’t…”

There was an edge to Remus’s voice now, a note of near-hysteria, and Sirius caught his arm.

“Remus, breathe, please love. It’s okay.”

“No… no it’s not. I… I couldn’t… I just…”

He stood, looking around wildly although Sirius couldn’t see what he might be looking for.

“Here, come on love, sit down again, yeah?”

He took Remus’s arm, but Remus pulled back.

“You have NO IDEA, Sirius,” he said, almost shouting now. “They could have abandoned me. That’s what most parents did, you know, with children who were bitten. Who would want a werewolf child? Nobody, NOBODY. Most of the kids… You have NO IDEA what happened to the kids whose parents abandoned them when they were turned, DO YOU? They ended up with Greyback. GREYBACK. AND YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID TO THEM? HE… THAT’S… HE’S A MONSTER AND THEY COULD HAVE… THEY COULD HAVE LEFT ME TO HIM.”

“Remus, love… please… calm down.”

He knew the moment the words left his lips that he’d said the wrong thing. Since when did telling someone to calm down actually make that happen?

“YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT IT WAS LIKE IN THE WEREWOLF CAMP. AND THAT COULD HAVE BEEN MY LIFE. SO DON’T YOU DARE… DON’T YOU DARE SAY THEY… THAT THEY… DON’T YOU DARE SAY THAT WAS ABUSE. IF THEY’D LEFT ME WITH GREYBACK, THAT… THAT…”

“Moony…”

Taking a deep breath and willing himself not to say anything stupid this time, Sirius took Remus’s arm again.

“Moony, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say… of course it would have been terrible if they’d abandoned you. They’d never have done that, I’m sure.”

Remus was breathing heavily, as if he’d been running. Otherwise, he stood motionless. His face had gone pale again, and there was a fine sheen of sweat on his forehead. Sirius moved closer, placing his other hand on Remus’s shoulder.

“How are you doing there, Remus? You okay?”

“My head hurts.”

“Come and sit down, yeah? I’ll make you another cup of tea?”

He tugged gently on Remus’s arm, but Remus pulled himself free from Sirius’s grip. He began stumbling away from him, then flung open the back door, where there was a small porch with a basin he used for washing, and a path to an old outhouse. Remus sank to his knees on the path and hunched over, hand over his mouth, his back heaving. 

Sirius ran over and crouched down beside him.

“Remus… love…”

His body heaved again, and this time he vomited, a mess of tea and soup splashing onto the path. Sirius placed his hand on Remus’s back.

“It’s alright love, I’m here.”

He tucked a few strands of hair back behind Remus’s ears as he retched again, bringing up more greyish liquid. There was a pause, where he just knelt there, leaning on one hand and with the other arm curled around his body. He took a few breaths, then retched again. This time, very little came up, and after a couple more dry heaves, he pushed himself backwards.

“’m sorry, Pads.”

“It’s alright, Moony.”

Remus didn’t move, and Sirius looked at his silvery scars in the light of the near-full moon. There were so many of them, across his face, down his neck, on his hands. Sirius couldn’t imagine how many would be on the rest of his body.

“I’m so tired, Pads. All my life… all my life it’s been like this and… it’s never going to be any different. Sometimes I… sometimes I don’t know how… I just can’t imagine how I’m going to keep going… I just don’t know how I can go on, and then… somehow, the next morning, I get up again, because it’s a habit and I know I need to, because there’s nobody else… nobody else will grow my vegetables or do odd jobs and earn some money and I just… I don’t know how I keep going but I don’t know how to stop.”

Sirius felt as if the breath was sucked from his lungs.

“Moony… Remus…”

His words caught in his throat. He wasn’t sure what to say, what he could possibly say or do to make it better. Remus just knelt there, staring ahead, into the night, with tears rolling down his cheeks again, and Sirius felt utterly powerless to do anything. Finally, though, he became aware of the cold wind cutting through his clothing.

“Come on, Remus, let’s get you inside. It’s… I don’t like being outside like this in human form, feel like a dementor’s going to creep up on me.”

Remus turned to him and began struggling to his feet, but Sirius was faster. He took Remus’s arm and helped him up, then pulled him close to his body.

“I’m sorry… I … sorry… I didn’t…”

“Come on, now, we’ll get you inside and cleaned up, yeah?”


	5. Chapter 5

Remus followed obediently as Sirius slipped one arm around his waist and began walking back to the cottage. Buckbeak, who’d been watching from the door, stepped back to let them through. When they were back inside, Remus seemed to come to his senses a little and began looking around for his wand. When he found it – sitting on the bench beside the kettle – he picked it up.

“I have to check the wards.”

Sirius found a glass and filled it with water, then found a cloth, which he dampened. He stood beside Buckbeak, waiting until Remus had finished checking the wards, then offered him the water. Remus rinsed his mouth out, spitting the water in the sink, then just stood, staring at the curtain which covered the window.

“Here,” Sirius said, “can I get you cleaned up?”

He moved next to Remus and raised the cloth to his face. Remus closed his eyes and sighed. Sirius lifted the cloth to his face, wiping around his eyes where it was still damp with tears before moving down, over his cheeks, down his jaw, across his mouth, down his chin. Remus kept his eyes closed, even as Sirius followed the cloth with his fingers, tracing unfamiliar scars.

“These are new,” Sirius said, tracing the nasty scar which ran through his eyebrow, another just under his eye and then one more which ran from beside his nose down to his lip. It broke the perfect curve, but somehow he still looked beautiful, despite the scars, the hollow cheeks, the ghost-pale skin and the red-rimmed eyes.

Remus turned his head away before he opened his eyes.

“I suppose,” he said. “I lose track.”

He walked over and sat down on the couch, leaning back and closing his eyes again.

“How’s your head feeling? Better.”

“It’s… not really.”

“Have you got anything for it? A potion? Or that muggle stuff your Mum used to have?”

“No. It’s okay.”

Sirius watched him for a few moments, frowning.

“What do you do after the full moon, then?” he asked.

Remus opened his eyes, glanced across at Sirius, then closed them again. He gave a barely perceptible shrug of his shoulders.

“Leave it, Sirius. I’m fine.”

He clearly wasn’t, but Sirius suspected he’d pushed Remus too far already and decided not to argue. There’d be time for that later.

“How about some more water? Then I’ll make us another cup of tea.”

“Yeah… okay,” Remus said, without opening his eyes this time.

Sirius refilled the water glass and took it over to Remus. He left him with the water and began making more tea for both of them. When it was made, he exchanged Remus’s water for another cup of tea and sat down beside him.

“Remus, I’m sorry about the things I said. About your parents. I didn’t mean… I didn’t want to upset you.”

“No… it’s alright. I’m… I over-reacted. It was just…”

Remus stopped speaking again.

“Just what?” Sirius asked, when Remus didn’t finish his sentence.

“I don’t think I want to talk about it right now,” he said finally.

Sirius breathed in and then slowly out, trying to release the tension in his shoulders.

“Yeah, okay. Just… if you do want to talk about it, you know that you can, yeah?”

“Okay.”

Sirius moved one hand across to Remus’s thigh, resting it there as they both drank their tea. He knew Remus would be thinking over what he’d said, probably going around in circles and tying himself in knots, but there wasn’t much that Sirius could do right now. Remus would have to come to his own realisation. He would have to understand, for himself, that the way his parents, particularly his father, had treated him was wrong, and that it wasn’t Remus’s fault. Sirius could help, but there was no point in Sirius pushing him if he wasn’t ready to see it. Sirius knew that it had taken him years to reach that point himself. He’d learned that his own home life wasn’t normal when he’d met James and Peter, and heard about what their families were like. But it had still taken years for him to accept that it wasn’t because of him. He’d even naïvely believed that it was alright for him to leave Regulus behind when he ran away – that without Sirius there to aggravate his mother, that she’d treat his brother more kindly.

Sirius sighed. He’d heard a few stories of his brother when he was in Azkaban. He’d clearly fallen out of favour with the Death Eaters, but Sirius still wasn’t sure whether he was alive or dead. Most likely dead, he knew.

“Sirius…”

He realised that he’d drifted off into his thoughts, and that Remus was looking at him, concerned.

“Are you okay? You look tired. There’s something… something I need to tell you about, but… if you want to wait until morning…”

Sirius looked at the anxious frown on Remus face.

“I’m fine. Just thinking about things, you know. What did you want to tell me?”

“There are things… you might not think so… so kindly of me, once you know. Things I did… after.”

“After?”

“After the war. Well, after I left my father.”

“Oh. What happened? Did Dumbledore help you find work?”

Remus gave an almost imperceptible shake of his head.

“No… I didn’t really hear from anyone. I went… I went to London first, but it was expensive, so I went north. Ended up living in a squat in Birmingham.”

“A squat?”

“Oh… a group of people, living in a house… they weren’t renting it, just… it was empty so they moved in. There were lots of places just sitting empty, but lots of people without anywhere to live… rents were too expensive, people didn’t have jobs. It was a pretty harsh time in the muggle world.”

“Oh, so you lived there?”

Remus nodded.

“Some of them… they were using drugs… I…”

He glanced up at Sirius, then away again. He gave a sigh and looked down at his hands.

“I started… using drugs, and I… it was hard to stop, it just seemed to make things better, I felt like… it just seemed to make everything go away and… it got bad, Pads. It got really bad.”

He glanced up again and Sirius held his gaze.

“What happened?” Sirius asked, his voice almost choking in his throat. He didn’t know a lot about muggle drugs, but his uncle Alphard had been an alcoholic, and that was bad enough.

“They… it was… mostly it was something called heroin… it was expensive… a lot of the addicts stole to get money, burgled houses, that kind of thing… I…”

Remus shook his head.

“You were breaking into houses?”

Sirius tried to keep the shock from his voice, but he wasn’t sure he managed. He couldn’t imagine Remus doing something like that.

“A bit, but… it bothered me. I… did something else… I’m sorry.”

“Remus…”

Sirius felt everything inside him knot up again. He could see that Remus was struggling to say something, and he knew it had to be something awful. He wished he didn’t have to hear it.

“I worked… I was… I had sex for money. I was… a prostitute. I didn’t want to… not at first, but it… the heroin… it messes with your head… you end up doing anything… I’m sorry, Pads… I… I’m so sorry.”

“But… after Greyback, surely… how could you?”

Remus flinched and half turned his body away. Sirius hadn’t intended his response to come out so harshly, but he hadn’t been able to hide his shock. And yet, somehow, it was easier to believe than Remus as a burglar. Burglary would have hurt other people, but selling his body would have harmed only Remus.

“It didn’t seem to matter, after that,” Remus said, his voice barely above a whisper.

Whatever tension had been building up inside Sirius snapped at that point. He leaned forward, taking hold of Remus’s arm and holding tight as his eyes filled up with tears.

“Oh no, Moony. Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that.”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Remus said, trying to escape his grip.

“No, love, _I’m_ sorry. I’m sorry you felt like that. I’m so sorry you were alone and I wasn’t there.”

Remus shook his head, and his voice began to sound desperate.

“I… I know it was wrong. I…”

Sirius loosened his grip and took Remus’s hand instead. He took a slow breath and tried to feel calm, although tears were running down his face now. But he didn’t care if Remus saw he was crying. He just had to make him understand.

“Moony, my love, please… I… I’m not upset with you. I’m sorry I…”

He paused and took a breath. Remus was hunched forward, his body curled in on himself, as if he was trying to squash himself into a tiny space. And suddenly, Sirius finally understood.

When had Remus’s body ever belonged to him? That sick bastard, Greyback, had taken his revenge on Remus’s father out on Remus’s body when Remus was a small child. His father had forced all those awful treatments on Remus’s body, to no avail, in some sort of attempt to assuage his own guilt. And then, Greyback again, using Remus’s body in some kind of sick, sexual, power game.

For as long as Sirius could remember, Remus had been careless of his body. He’d try to ignore his injuries, dismiss the scars, say he was alright when he clearly wasn’t. He paid little attention to his appearance, wearing clothes cast off from his father and others, avoiding mirrors. He was even, Sirius thought with a cringe, rather careless of his body during sex. He was an attentive lover, but he’d always been hesitant to say what he himself enjoyed.

“Oh, Remus, my love… of course it matters. Your body matters, of course it does. You matter.”

Remus lifted his head, glanced at Sirius, and looked down again.

“I… I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to apologise for, my love.”

“I made you cry… I…”

His voice caught, and Sirius realised that Remus was now crying too. Sirius let go of one hand and raised it to Remus’s cheek, stroking it a couple of times before moving to his forehead and brushing the hair from his eyes. Then he moved his hand down, under his chin, prompting Remus to lift his face and meet his eyes.

“You are so beautiful, my love.”

Remus tried to drop his head again, but Sirius kept the hand under his chin steady.

“I know you can’t see it, but you are, you really are. Your eyes are so warm and your lips are so sweet. Your smile makes me feel as if everything is going to be alright, and I treasure every single one of your scars. Because every part of you is beautiful.”

Sirius lifted his other hand and brushed a tear from Remus’s cheek with his thumb, then began to trace one of the scars.

“I wish you could see what I see. I know you can’t right now, but I have to hope that you will see it one day. I hope that I can show you what I see when I look at you.”

Remus tried to shake his head, but Sirius’s hands held him steady.

“Can you just trust me, for now, my love? If you can’t believe what I’m saying, can you just trust that I can see something you can’t? And that maybe what I’m seeing is actually a bit clearer that what you see?”

He looked for a moment as if he was going to argue again, but then Remus dropped his eyes.

“I… I can’t believe…”

“I know, love. But can you trust me?”

Remus lifted his eyes.

“I… yes… yes, alright. I can.”

Sirius leaned forward and brushed a kiss against Remus’s forehead, then pulled him into a hug. Remus let out a sigh that was halfway to being a sob and sank into his arms.

“I love you so much, Remus,” he said, holding on as Remus began to shake. “All of you. Not just your beauty and strength and kindness, but your scars too, and your pain and your sorrow… all of you. And I promise I won’t leave you alone again.”


	6. Chapter 6

They stayed like that, Sirius holding Remus and rocking, just slightly, until Remus was finally limp in his arms.

“Moony, love, have you fallen asleep?”

Remus shook his head, but didn’t move his body.

“We should get you to bed, I think. You’re exhausted.”

Remus shook his head again, then lifted it from Sirius’s shoulder.

“I’m alright.”

“Yeah, but it’s late. Well past midnight now. Probably closer to dawn.”

“Oh, you must be tired.”

“A little, but I’m alright too.”

He smiled at Remus, and Remus gave him a small smile back.

“One thing,” Sirius said. “You said you found it better not to have alcohol in the house. Is that because of… you know, were you drinking? Like with the drugs?”

Remus nodded.

“Yes. Once I got clean, I tried to stay off everything. Didn’t want to go back. There was only one time I…”

He sighed and glanced at Sirius before continuing.

“At Hogwarts, last year… there was always wine or whisky or something on offer. I got in the habit of drinking. It wasn’t good, but it was mostly under control, until… well you know what happened as well as I do. When I came back here, I’m afraid I drank rather a lot. For a couple of months. I’m ashamed to say that if Harry had needed me, in that time, I wouldn’t have been any use. Took a bit to get back to… well, this, I suppose. Not that it’s much, but…”

“How did you get… you called it clean, didn’t you? I heard that some of the muggle drugs are quite… what’s the word?”

“Addictive,” Remus said, quietly. “Yeah, they are. It was hard.”

He sighed and lifted one hand to his face. He held it there for a moment, then made a half-hearted attempt to push the hair from his eyes.

“It took… years. I hated it, but I couldn’t stop. I’d want to quit, but then… when it came down to it, I had nowhere to go. And the full moons…”

He shook his head and gave a heavy sigh.

“The squat had a cellar. It was disgusting, but… well, nobody else went down there. I’d just go down, lock the door… I put a bolt on the inside, when I was still a bit more together, so… so nobody could get in, but I don’t think the others even noticed… Then I’d just get really, really wasted… it made it easier, I think the wolf would just sleep it off… I’d feel awful when I came to, but I never had many injuries… when I’d try to get clean… maybe I could keep it up for a week or two, but then the full moon would come around…”

“Oh, Moony…” Sirius said, tightening his grip where his hand rested on Remus’s arm. “I’m so sorry… sorry you had to go through that.”’

Remus shook his head.

“It wasn’t so bad. It was easier, you see, better than facing it sober.”

Sirius felt a stab of guilt. How many full moons had Remus endured alone? How many mornings had he come back to his senses, bruised and bleeding, with nobody to help him?

“So, you see, I tried, but… I just kept going back. The others at the squat… they came and went, and then often come back again too, but then… they started to get sick and die. I… we… we didn’t know what it was, but we knew it was… it was something to do with the drugs, but we didn’t know what. But still… I couldn’t stop.”

He drew a shaky breath and glanced up at Sirius.

“It was because of Harry that I finally got out.”

“Harry? How?”

Remus sighed, and moved away, sitting back against the couch. Sirius moved so he was sitting next to him, lifting Remus’s hand so he could sit close, hips touching, and threading their fingers together. Remus held himself tense for a moment, before giving another sigh and leaning in towards Sirius, head on his shoulder.

“There was a kid who reminded me of him. I’d see him with his mother… there was a playground near the squat. Dismal sort of place, but I suppose it was better than nothing. I’d see them, this little kid with wild black hair, maybe about two, and his mother. She wasn’t redhead like Lily, she was blonde, but it still… it reminded me of them. I’d see the kid with his father sometimes as well, occasionally all three of them. Then one day, the kid was there with an older woman instead. I think she must have been his grandmother. And she looked just like Mrs Potter. Short and solid, even dressed like her, with a big patterned skirt and headscarf. The same voice, that exact same accent, too. Must have been from Jamaica, I suppose… And the way she could be so fierce and scolding, but also so gentle.”

Sirius could hear a smile in Remus’s voice as he spoke, and Sirius gave his hand a squeeze. He knew exactly what Remus meant.

“Well… hearing her, seeing her with her grandson… it just…”

He paused and swallowed. Sirius was pretty sure Remus was about to cry again, and he had tears in his eyes himself, thinking of Euphemia Potter, never holding her grandchild.

“I thought of Harry, with his grandparents dead and his parents dead and having to live with his aunt and uncle, who I knew would be horrible to him, because Petunia was awful to Lily. I wasn’t really thinking straight, I was pretty out of it… I… I just… I went into an alley and apparated to Little Whinging. I was lucky I didn’t splinch myself. And I… I had no idea of his address, so I just wandered around and… I suppose I just hoped I’d spot him. Must have stuck out terribly… a junkie roaming around the suburban streets…”

“Junkie?”

“Oh, right… a drug addict…. I was lucky I didn’t get arrested. I didn’t know what to do… but then, Bells… Arabella Figg… she spotted me, marched up to me and demanded to know what I was doing. I just… I didn’t know what to say, and she just… I don’t know, took pity on me, I suppose. Took me home with her, made me eat something, showed me pictures of her cats.”

“Oh, Merlin, does she still carry a little album of them around with her?”

Remus nodded.

“When I went to leave, she… well, she started on at me, how James and Lily would be appalled to see me in such a state, how I wasn’t going to be any help to Harry like that, and I… well, I said that I wasn’t any use to him anyway, because I… I shouldn’t have said it, but I told her that I was a werewolf…”

Sirius felt the words cut through him, like a knife to the heart. More than anything else, those words told him just how low Remus had been, to have let slip his secret like that.

“Oh… oh, Remus. What did she say?”

Remus was looking down, shoulders hunched. He gave a slow sigh.

“She… she just stared at me, at first. Then she… she asked me if it had happened in the war. She was aware that I was the one who reported on the werewolves… on Greyback. She assumed I must have got bitten then. So then… then I told her that… no, I was a werewolf already. And she… she just said… _oh, you poor love_ …”

He stopped and gave a sigh.

“She just… she just looked at me for a bit then she asked if James and Lily had known. When I said that they had, she looked… I don’t know, almost triumphant. And she said – _well, obviously they trusted you around Harry_... which I suppose… I suppose that was true. And then she said the same thing she’d said before – _you’re no use to Harry if you’re an addict_ , only this time, she said it… well, much more gently. And I said that I knew that but couldn’t… that I couldn’t stop, then she…”

He tilted his head and looked up at Sirius. Something in his face was a little lighter, a little more hopeful.

“She told me to stay with her for a bit. That she’d help me get back on my feet… Merlin knows, I didn’t deserve it, but she… she was kind to me. I stayed in her spare room and I… it was pretty rough, the part when you get your body off the addiction. I felt awful and… it’s like the wolf, in a way, this thing inside trying to claw its way out… I would think I couldn’t take any more, couldn’t go on, and I’d be ready to leave and she’d say – _what about Harry? Think of Harry, Remus._ And… and so I got through it. And then… well, it was almost worse, once I was off it, because it numbed things, and once I was clean, I just… everything… all my memories, they were so much more vivid, and there didn’t seem to be much point to anything and… she’d come into the spare room where I slept and tell me off until I got out of bed. Or she’d let those bloody cats in, and they’d all jump on the bed and walk all over me, meowing loudly…”

Sirius wrinkled his nose at that. He’d never been much of a cat person.

“Oh, sweet Merlin, that would have driven me insane.”

Remus actually smiled at that.

“You survived Azkaban. I’m sure you could have taken a few cats…”

Sirius shook his head.

“Oh, no. That’s the secret they never knew. If only they’d thought to pop a few cats in the cell with me, I’d have been mad as Bellatrix by now.”

He gave Remus a grin and Remus gave him a watery smile back.

“There was one that was actually rather sweet. When I sat down, he’d jump on my knee and just sit there purring. Shed fur all over my clothes. But the others… they were quite stroppy. Would take a swipe at my ankle when I walked past, or would bite me if I tried to move them off a chair or my bed.”

“What… what did you do at the full moon?”

“I… that first time… the first time without… Madame Pomfrey turned up. Bells had contacted her… I didn’t realise they even knew each other, but they obviously did… so, well… she took me to the Shrieking Shack.”

“Oh… oh no, Remus.”

“We warded it up really well. It was safe.”

Sirius was confused for a moment, before he realised that Remus thought his objection to the Shrieking Shack was endangering the students.

“I… that’s not what meant. I was worried about you… being confined like that.”

“It was fine, not like I wasn’t used to it.”

“But…”

Remus shrugged.

“I wouldn’t have kept going there anyway. It was just… well I wasn’t up to organising anything better. But after that, I saw about the mines closing, on the news, and… I did a bit of scouting around, found one I could use, and then spotted this cottage on a nearby farm. It was abandoned but I spoke to the farmer about it, and he let me fix it up. It gave me something to do, a bit of a project, made me feel… like I had done something worthwhile, I suppose. And I’ve been here ever since… well, except last year.”

He gave Sirius another watery smile, then leaned back against the couch.

“It’s not so bad here,” he said. “A bit lonely sometimes. I’d find myself wishing you were here with me, then… then I’d remember… I’m so sorry I thought you were… you know…”

Sirius wanted to say something – anything – to stop Remus starting another round of apologising, but he felt the words catching in his throat. Instead, he lifted his hand and put a finger to Remus’s lips. Their eyes met, and then held. Once, in another lifetime, he would have leaned in to kiss Remus in a moment like that, but so much had happened, so much time had passed and they were both different men now.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Remus said, after a long pause.

Sirius nodded.

“I… I meant what I said before, Remus. I love you, all of you. I don’t think I ever stopped.”

“I never stopped loving you either, Pads. I… it hurt so much… when I thought, you know… and yet I still loved you… I missed you so much.”

Sirius nodded again, as he felt himself choking up and tears coming to his eyes. All those years of pain, for both of them, and for nothing.

And then Remus lifted his hand to Sirius’s face, touching him as if he couldn’t quite believe that Sirius was real, eyes filled with wonder, and Sirius realised that none of that mattered. Because he was here, now, and Remus was here, now, and they were together. All the years apart, all the mistrust, all the pain, hadn’t been enough to destroy the love that they shared.

He turned his head slightly, and kissed Remus’s palm. Then he leaned in, brushing a kiss to Remus’s forehead, before kissing his lips, just for a moment. He drew back, still held by the magic of those eyes.

“I missed you too. I missed us. But that doesn’t matter anymore. Just seeing you, right here, in front of me… I know love can’t erase everything that’s happened, but… it can… it will get us through. I know you’re hurting, but you’ll be okay, Remus. And I’ll be okay too. We’ll be okay, won’t we?

Remus nodded, before he pulled Sirius into a tight hug, face buried in Sirius’s hair.

“Yeah, we’ll be okay,” he murmured.


	7. Chapter 7

They held each other for a long time, until Sirius felt himself drifting towards sleep.

“You’re tired, sweetheart. You should be in bed.”

Sirius pushed himself back, smiling at the endearment. It was a long time since Remus had called him sweetheart, but it seemed to slip from his tongue as easily as if it had only been yesterday.

“ _We_ should be in bed, love.”

A flicker of emotion crossed Remus’s face, a slight widening of his eyes before he dropped his head forward.

“I… I’m not sure…”

Sirius took Remus’s hand in his and gave it a small squeeze.

“We need to sleep, love. Just sleep, yeah? I need… I just feel like I need to be close to you right now.”

Sirius waited until Remus looked up again, then he held his gaze, hoping that Remus could see his sincerity. When Remus was ready, then Sirius would be there to show him just how precious and beautiful his body was. But he’d never push Remus, and he knew that he could wait for as long as it took.

After a moment, Remus gave a nod.

“I think I need to be close to you too.”

Sirius stood, still holding Remus’s hand, tugging gently until Remus stood as well. He put his other arm around Remus’s waist and began walking him to the bedroom.

“You hadn’t considered transfiguring a more comfortable mattress for your bed?” Sirius asked, when they were in the room.

“Yeah, I did try. But the spell kept reverting after a few hours. Got a bit sick of waking at three in the morning to my bed rearranging itself. Easier just to leave it be.”

“Might have to do something about that. You might be used to it, but I’ve gone soft over the last year.”

“Where were you? You mentioned… Zadar, I think? Isn’t that in Yugoslavia, where the war is?”

“Yeah, and it’s got all those lovely islands, perfectly set up for tourists and nobody visiting. Easy enough to find a quiet cottage to rent and a landlord who knows how to keep their mouth shut. Spent my days swimming or fishing and lying around in the sun or under olive trees. Wasn’t anything flash, but… good enough. I’ll take you there, one day, when this is all over, yeah?”

Remus stood by the bed, looking hesitant. Sirius nudged his elbow.

“Come on, where are your pyjamas?”

Remus turned and opened a drawer, but then stopped.

“Moony? What’s the matter, love?”

He turned his head.

“I’ve… there are more scars. A lot more.”

“And you’re worried about me seeing them?”

Remus nodded.

“Love, I won’t… well, I can’t promise that I won’t be shocked. Seeing your scars is… it’s a reminder of all the pain you’ve been through, and that hurts. But it won’t, well… put me off or anything. Remember, I love all of you, scars included.”

Remus sighed, then looked away, but he began unbuttoning his shirt. Sirius kept his eyes on him, making himself watch, making himself confront the reality of all those years that Remus spent transforming alone. The scars on his chest weren’t so bad, but Sirius remembered that the wolf couldn’t reach his own chest so easily. Then his shirt fell open and Sirius saw the scars further down, still half-hidden by his trousers. There were scars on his arms, some obviously from teeth or claws, as well as patches of darkened skin, almost like bruises. He turned, and Sirius saw the scars on his back. The largest was near the top of his spine – the marks that Sirius had seen on the back of his neck were the edge of it, but far from the worst of it. There was no way that it was self-inflicted.

Sirius reached out and placed one hand on Remus’s shoulder. He gave a momentary flinch, but didn’t pull away.

“What happened, love?”

“That was… he… you know, Greyback, was angry when he heard what had happened… that Voldemort was gone… took it out on me.”

Sirius skimmed his fingers over the scar, then picked up the pyjama top and held it out so Remus could put one arm into it.

“Oh, love.”

“He did it with his teeth… when he was in human form.”

Sirius swallowed, feeling slightly ill.

“And these ones,” Remus continued, gesturing to the inside of his arm, “are from the drugs. Injected, you see, makes a mess of your veins. We… well, a lot of the others, they got sick, and died. We shared needles and it… it turned out we were sharing diseases as well. Somehow, I didn’t get sick, though. Bells made me get a test, but it was clear. Took it twice to be sure. She reckoned maybe it was being a werewolf… or I was just lucky. Didn’t feel like it at the time, but…”

“Well, I’m glad you survived, Moony.”

Remus smiled at him, slipping his other arm into the pyjama top.

“Yeah. For a while, I wasn’t, but… I am now, Pads. I’m so glad to be here, with you.”

Sirius did up the buttons on Remus’s pyjama top, then looked at him for permission to continue undressing him. Remus hesitated for a moment, then stepped back.

“Just… I need some time.”

“Of course, love, of course. As long as it takes.”

Remus turned away as he continued to undress, but not before giving Sirius a small smile. He looked relieved, and it made the slight rejection alright, because Sirius could see that giving him space had helped Remus to feel a little safer. He turned away himself, pulling his shirt over his head and removing his jeans. He never usually bothered with pyjamas.

Remus had turned back and was standing with his arms wrapped around himself. Sirius stepped closer, again watching him for permission before putting an arm around him. He held him for a moment, then guided him to the bed, using his wand to flick the covers back and the lights off before reaching behind to put his wand on the dressing table.

Remus got into the bed, wriggling over so he was a dark shape against the wall. It really was an absurdly small bed for two men. Sirius got in beside him.

“What do you want, love? Want me to spoon you? Or if you aren’t comfortable…”

“No… yes… I think, spoon me. Think I… I need your arms around me. Need you… there.”

Sirius could hear a slight catch in Remus’s voice as he shuffled closer, pulling up the covers before putting his arm around Remus. He pressed his hand to the middle of Remus’s chest, feeling the rise and fall of his breathing. Then Remus’s hand closed around his and Sirius gave a small sigh, because everything just felt so right.

“Okay, Pads?” Remus said, tensing up.

“Yes, just… this just feels so right. How it’s meant to be.”

Remus relaxed again.

“Yeah, yeah, it does.”

Sirius closed his eyes and focused on Remus, his warmth, the smell of his hair, the way his breath rose and fell.

“I meant what I said, sweetheart,” Remus said, his voice sounding slow and sleepy. “I still love you.”

“I still love you too, Moony.”

“With you here… I feel like things will be alright… we’ll be alright, won’t we?”

“Yeah, love. We’ll be alright.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to imagine that they lived happily ever after, or at least ignore canon from mid-OOTP...


End file.
